Assertive Listening
Assertiveness is not only about speaking up - it is also about listening well while still holding your own position. Learn the skills of assertive listening and practise them in real conversations.
Written by Tarun Vermani, Trainee Clinical Psychologist Last reviewed
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Assertive Listening
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What assertive listening is
Assertiveness is not only about speaking up. It is also about listening well, while still holding your own position. It can be easy to think of assertiveness as winning, or as getting your point across no matter what. But real assertiveness respects both people - the other person and yourself. Assertive listening means genuinely hearing the other person, showing them you have understood, and then still being able to state your own view. You do not have to choose between listening and standing your ground. You can do both.
The skills
Assertive listening is built from a handful of skills. Give the other person your full attention, rather than planning your reply while they speak. Do not interrupt - let them finish. Reflect back what you heard, in your own words, to check you have understood. Acknowledge their view before you state yours - something like 'I can see this matters to you'. Stay calm, even if you disagree. And, importantly, separate understanding from agreeing: you can fully understand someone's point of view without giving up your own.
Skills to practise
Here are the assertive-listening skills together. Tick the ones you would like to practise - the ones that do not come naturally to you yet are often the most useful to work on.
Try it out
Now put it into practice in real conversations. For each one, note what you reflected back or acknowledged, and then how you went on to state your own view. This helps you see that you can do both - hear them, and hold your position.
| # | Conversation | What I reflected back / acknowledged | Then how I stated my view | Actions |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | ||||
| 2 |
Over to you
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When to use ‘Assertive Listening’
‘Assertive Listening’ is an interactive cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) worksheet. As a core CBT skill it is used right across the model, with presentations including depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma and low self-esteem, rather than being tied to a single diagnosis.
It is designed to be used within therapy rather than as a standalone self-help tool: a therapist introduces it, works through it collaboratively, and helps make sense of what it surfaces. You can preview the full worksheet above, then assign it digitally for clients to complete between sessions on any device — or download it as a print-ready PDF.
How it works
Most people work through it in around 10 minutes. It moves through five short steps:
- What assertive listening is — Assertiveness is not only about speaking up. It is also about listening well, while still holding your own position. It can be easy to…
- The skills — Assertive listening is built from a handful of skills. Give the other person your full attention, rather than planning your reply while…
- Skills to practise — Here are the assertive-listening skills together. Tick the ones you would like to practise - the ones that do not come naturally to you yet…
- Try it out — Now put it into practice in real conversations. For each one, note what you reflected back or acknowledged, and then how you went on to…
- Over to you
Completed on the Formulate platform, your client's answers are saved automatically and shared straight back to you, so you can review them before the next session rather than waiting for a paper copy to come back.
The CBT approach behind it
In common with other CBT methods, ‘Assertive Listening’ works by noticing the links between situations, thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviour — and finding practical ways to change unhelpful patterns. The aim is not positive thinking but a clearer, shared understanding of what keeps a difficulty going — and practical, testable ways to change it.
Because it is a CBT tool it stays focused on the here-and-now links between thoughts, feelings, the body and behaviour, and it works best as one part of a wider course of therapy rather than as advice or a diagnosis.
Evidence & sources
This worksheet is grounded in established cognitive behavioural therapy theory and practice. Key sources include:
- Rogers, C.R. & Farson, R.E. (1957). Active Listening. Chicago: Industrial Relations Center, University of Chicago.
- Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (2017). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (10th ed.). Oakland, CA: Impact Publishers.
For use alongside professional support
Formulate provides educational CBT resources for use with a qualified therapist. They are not a substitute for professional assessment, diagnosis, or crisis care.
If you need urgent help now:
- Emergency services: 999 — if you or someone else is in immediate danger
- Samaritans: 116 123 — free, day or night, 365 days a year
- SANEline: 0800 689 5555 — 4:30pm–10:30pm, every day
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