Assertiveness and Boundary-Setting
Build the skills to set clear boundaries and communicate assertively - knowing your rights, challenging the beliefs that get in the way, and practising new responses one small step at a time.
Written by Tarun Vermani, Trainee Clinical Psychologist Last reviewed
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Assertiveness and Boundary-Setting
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Where a Boundary Is Needed
Start by mapping the situations where you find it hard to be assertive or hold a limit.
| # | Situation / Person | What I Actually Want or Need Here | What I Usually Do Instead | How Hard (0-10) | Actions |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | |||||
| 2 | |||||
| 3 |
Passive, Aggressive, or Assertive?
Assertiveness sits between two unhelpful extremes. Passive responding ignores your own needs to keep the peace. Aggressive responding pursues your needs at the expense of the other person. Assertive responding respects both - you state your view, feelings, or request honestly and directly, while still respecting the other person.
| # | Style | What It Might Sound Like | Likely Cost to Me or the Relationship | Actions |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | ||||
| 2 | ||||
| 3 |
Beliefs That Get in the Way
Difficulty being assertive is often held in place by beliefs about what being assertive means about us. Let's examine one of those beliefs as if it were a hypothesis to test, rather than a fact.
Your Assertive Rights
Assertiveness rests on a set of basic rights that apply to you just as much as to anyone else. Tick the ones that are hardest for you to believe you have - those are often the ones worth working on.
Core Assertiveness Skills
These are the building blocks of assertive communication. Read each one, then draft your own version for a real situation.
Graded Practice Plan
Like any skill, assertiveness is built through practice. Start deliberately small - choose low-stakes situations first and work up. Pick people and situations that are safe to practise with.
| # | Situation (Low-Stakes First) | What I'll Say (My Assertive Line) | When / By When | Difficulty (0-10) | Actions |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | |||||
| 2 | |||||
| 3 |
Handling Pushback
When you change how you respond, some people may push back - through guilt-tripping, pressure, sulking, or persistence. Planning for this in advance makes it easier to hold your boundary.
| # | Pressure Tactic I Might Face | How I'll Respond (Stay Calm, Hold the Line) | Actions |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | |||
| 2 |
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When to use ‘Assertiveness and Boundary-Setting’
‘Assertiveness and Boundary-Setting’ is an interactive cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) worksheet, most often used in CBT for social anxiety. It is also commonly drawn on when working with low self-esteem.
It is designed to be used within therapy rather than as a standalone self-help tool: a therapist introduces it, works through it collaboratively, and helps make sense of what it surfaces. You can preview the full worksheet above, then assign it digitally for clients to complete between sessions on any device — or download it as a print-ready PDF.
How it works
Most people work through it in around 20 minutes. It moves through six short steps:
- Where a Boundary Is Needed — Start by mapping the situations where you find it hard to be assertive or hold a limit.
- Passive, Aggressive, or Assertive? — Assertiveness sits between two unhelpful extremes. Passive responding ignores your own needs to keep the peace. Aggressive responding…
- Beliefs That Get in the Way — Difficulty being assertive is often held in place by beliefs about what being assertive means about us. Let's examine one of those beliefs…
- Your Assertive Rights — Assertiveness rests on a set of basic rights that apply to you just as much as to anyone else. Tick the ones that are hardest for you to…
- Core Assertiveness Skills — These are the building blocks of assertive communication. Read each one, then draft your own version for a real situation.
- Graded Practice Plan — Like any skill, assertiveness is built through practice. Start deliberately small - choose low-stakes situations first and work up. Pick…
Completed on the Formulate platform, your client's answers are saved automatically and shared straight back to you, so you can review them before the next session rather than waiting for a paper copy to come back.
The CBT approach behind it
In common with other CBT methods, ‘Assertiveness and Boundary-Setting’ works by noticing the links between situations, thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviour — and finding practical ways to change unhelpful patterns. The aim is not positive thinking but a clearer, shared understanding of what keeps a difficulty going — and practical, testable ways to change it.
Because it is a CBT tool it stays focused on the here-and-now links between thoughts, feelings, the body and behaviour, and it works best as one part of a wider course of therapy rather than as advice or a diagnosis.
Evidence & sources
This worksheet is grounded in established cognitive behavioural therapy theory and practice. Key sources include:
- Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (2017). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (10th ed.). Oakland, CA: Impact Publishers.
- Smith, M.J. (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. New York: The Dial Press.
- Rakos, R.F. (1991). Assertive Behavior: Theory, Research, and Training. London: Routledge.
For use alongside professional support
Formulate provides educational CBT resources for use with a qualified therapist. They are not a substitute for professional assessment, diagnosis, or crisis care.
If you need urgent help now:
- Emergency services: 999 — if you or someone else is in immediate danger
- Samaritans: 116 123 — free, day or night, 365 days a year
- SANEline: 0800 689 5555 — 4:30pm–10:30pm, every day
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