Changing an unhelpful rule for living
Work on one rule for living that asks too much of you: name it, see where it came from, weigh what it gives and what it costs, write a more flexible rule and try it out. Based on Fennell (1997) and Beck (2021): it sets the steps out on one sheet, with before and after ratings of both rules.
Written by Tarun Vermani, Trainee Clinical Psychologist Updated
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Changing an unhelpful rule for living
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What a rule for living is
A rule for living is a guide we follow, often without noticing, about how we must be or what we must do to feel safe, liked or good enough. Rules often sound like "I must...", "I should always..." or "If... then...". For example: "If I say no, people will think I'm selfish", or "I must do everything perfectly".
Many rules are learned early and once helped us cope. The trouble is that they tend to be rigid. They ask too much, allow no exceptions, and when we cannot keep to them, a harsh view of ourselves can switch on.
Changing a rule does not mean throwing it away. It means writing a version that keeps what is useful and drops what is costing you. If you would like to know more about how rules sit on top of deeper beliefs about yourself, your therapist can share a handout on core beliefs.
Name the rule
Write the rule as you would say it to yourself. If you can, put it as "If... then..." or "I must...". Then rate how true it feels right now, in your gut, not how true you think it should be.
Where the rule came from
Rules usually make sense when we look at where they started. A few words are enough here. You do not need to go into painful memories on your own: you can talk them through with your therapist instead.
How the rule shows up now
Think about the last few weeks. Notice when the rule switches on, what it makes you do, and what happens inside you when you cannot keep to it.
If the harsh things you write about yourself here turn into thoughts of hurting yourself, use your safety plan if you have one, and tell your therapist or care team. If you feel unsafe right now, call 999 or go to A&E. To talk to someone now, call Samaritans free on 116 123.
What the rule gives me and what it costs me
Be fair to the rule: it probably does give you something. Then look honestly at the price you pay for it, in your mood, your health, your time and your relationships.
Where the rule asks too much
Rules for living often ask for more than any person could manage, or ignore the times life shows them to be wrong. These questions can help you see where yours is too strict.
A more flexible rule
Now write a new rule in your own words. A helpful new rule is more flexible and realistic. It allows for being human, keeps what was useful about the old rule, and often sounds like "I'd like to..." or "It's fine if..." rather than "I must...". It does not need to be the opposite of the old rule.
The new rule will probably feel less true than the old one at first. That is expected: the old rule has had years of practice.
Putting the new rule into practice
A new rule grows stronger when you act on it and see what happens. Plan a few small things to do differently, as if the new rule were already true. Write down what the old rule predicts, then find out what really happens. Choose small, everyday steps, and plan bigger ones with your therapist.
Your therapist can share a behavioural experiment worksheet if you want to plan a test in more detail.
| # | What I will do differently | When | What the old rule predicts | What actually happened | Actions |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | |||||
| 2 | |||||
| 3 |
Looking back
Fill this in after a few weeks of acting on the new rule. Rate both rules again, then compare with your first ratings.
Try it here. Nothing you type is saved. Sign up to assign it and let clients complete it on any device.
When to use ‘Changing an unhelpful rule for living’
‘Changing an unhelpful rule for living’ is an interactive cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) worksheet, most often used in CBT for low self-esteem.
It is designed to be used within therapy rather than as a standalone self-help tool: a therapist introduces it, works through it collaboratively, and helps make sense of what it surfaces. You can preview the full worksheet above, then assign it digitally for clients to complete between sessions on any device or download it as a print-ready PDF.
How it works
Most people work through it in around 20 minutes. It moves through six short steps:
- What a rule for living is: A rule for living is a guide we follow, often without noticing, about how we must be or what we must do to feel safe, liked or good enough.…
- Name the rule: Write the rule as you would say it to yourself. If you can, put it as "If... then..." or "I must...". Then rate how true it feels right…
- Where the rule came from: Rules usually make sense when we look at where they started. A few words are enough here. You do not need to go into painful memories on…
- How the rule shows up now: Think about the last few weeks. Notice when the rule switches on, what it makes you do, and what happens inside you when you cannot keep to…
- What the rule gives me and what it costs me: Be fair to the rule: it probably does give you something. Then look honestly at the price you pay for it, in your mood, your health, your…
- Where the rule asks too much: Rules for living often ask for more than any person could manage, or ignore the times life shows them to be wrong. These questions can help…
Completed on the Formulate platform, your client's answers are saved automatically and shared straight back to you, so you can review them before the next session rather than waiting for a paper copy to come back.
The CBT approach behind it
In common with other CBT methods, ‘Changing an unhelpful rule for living’ works by noticing the links between situations, thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviour and finding practical ways to change unhelpful patterns. The aim is not positive thinking but a clearer, shared understanding of what keeps a difficulty going and practical, testable ways to change it.
Because it is a CBT tool it stays focused on the here-and-now links between thoughts, feelings, the body and behaviour, and it works best as one part of a wider course of therapy rather than as advice or a diagnosis.
Evidence & sources
This worksheet is grounded in established cognitive behavioural therapy theory and practice. Key sources include:
- Fennell, M.J.V. (1997). Low self-esteem: A cognitive perspective. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 25(1), 1-26. doi:10.1017/S1352465800015368
- Fennell, M.J.V. (2016). Overcoming Low Self-Esteem (2nd ed.). London: Robinson.
- Beck, J.S. (2021). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond (3rd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.
- Rimes, K.A., Smith, P., & Bridge, L. (2023). Low self-esteem: A refined cognitive behavioural model. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 51(6), 579-594. doi:10.1017/S1352465823000048
For use alongside professional support
Formulate provides educational CBT resources for use with a qualified therapist. They are not a substitute for professional assessment, diagnosis, or crisis care.
If you need urgent help now:
- Emergency services: 999 — if you or someone else is in immediate danger
- NHS 111 (NHS 24 in Scotland): 111 — choose the mental health option for urgent help, in England, Scotland and Wales (in Wales, press 2)
- Lifeline: 0808 808 8000 — for urgent help in Northern Ireland, free, day or night
- Samaritans: 116 123 — free, day or night, 365 days a year
- Shout: 85258 — text SHOUT, free, day or night
- SANEline: 0300 304 7000 — 4pm–10pm, every day
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