DEARMAN: Asking for Something or Saying No
A step-by-step skill for asking for what you want, or saying no, in a way that is clear, fair and keeps your self-respect. The seven letters of DEARMAN give you a script to follow when a conversation feels hard.
Written by Tarun Vermani, Trainee Clinical Psychologist Last reviewed
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DEARMAN: Asking for Something or Saying No
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What DEARMAN is and when to use it
DEARMAN is a way to plan a difficult conversation so you can ask for something, or say no, without backing down and without going on the attack. Each letter is one step. Use it when there is something you want from another person, or something you need to refuse, and you want to come away still feeling good about how you handled it. It works best for one clear request at a time.
D - Describe the situation
Start by describing just the facts of the situation, as plainly as a camera would see them. Stick to what actually happened. Leave out judgements, blame and your opinion for now. For example: 'We agreed I would cook on Mondays and you would cook on Thursdays. The last three Thursdays I have ended up cooking.' Sticking to facts makes it harder for the other person to argue and keeps the conversation calm.
E - Express how you feel or think
Next, say clearly how you feel or what you think about the situation, using 'I' statements. Own your feelings instead of telling the other person what they did wrong. 'I feel worn out and a bit taken for granted' lands very differently from 'You never pull your weight.' Do not assume the other person already knows how you feel - say it out loud.
A - Assert your request or your no
Now ask for what you want, or say no, clearly and directly. Do not hint, hope they guess, or talk around it. People cannot read your mind. Be specific: 'I would like us to go back to swapping nights, so you take Thursdays' is clear. 'It would be nice if things were more even' is not. If you are saying no, a simple, firm 'No, I am not able to do that' is enough.
R - Reinforce (give them a reason)
Explain what is in it for the other person, or why saying yes is worth it for them too. People are more likely to agree when they can see a benefit. 'If we share the cooking, we will both have more free evenings and I will be much better company.' A genuine thank-you in advance also reinforces: it rewards the behaviour you are hoping for.
M - Stay Mindful
Keep your focus on your goal and do not get pulled off track. If the other person changes the subject, criticises you, or brings up old arguments, gently steer back to your point. One useful trick is the 'broken record': calmly repeat your request again and again in much the same words, without getting louder or angrier. 'I understand, and I would still like us to swap Thursdays.'
A - Appear confident
How you say it matters as much as the words. Stand or sit upright, make comfortable eye contact, and use a steady, even tone of voice. Avoid mumbling, apologising over and over, or giggling nervously. You do not have to feel confident inside - acting calm and sure on the outside helps the other person take your request seriously, and often helps you feel steadier too.
N - Negotiate (be willing to give to get)
Stay open to meeting in the middle. Getting most of what you want is usually better than a stand-off where nobody gives an inch. Offer something or ask the other person for ideas: 'If Thursdays do not work for you, which night would?' Turning the problem over to them ('How do you think we can sort this out?') invites them to help solve it with you rather than against you.
Write your own DEARMAN script
Think of one real situation where you want to ask for something or say no. Draft your own script below, going through the steps in order. Keep it short and rehearse it out loud before the conversation.
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When to use ‘DEARMAN: Asking for Something or Saying No’
‘DEARMAN: Asking for Something or Saying No’ is an interactive cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) worksheet. As a core CBT skill it is used right across the model, with presentations including depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma and low self-esteem, rather than being tied to a single diagnosis.
It is designed to be used within therapy rather than as a standalone self-help tool: a therapist introduces it, works through it collaboratively, and helps make sense of what it surfaces. You can preview the full worksheet above, then assign it digitally for clients to complete between sessions on any device — or download it as a print-ready PDF.
How it works
Most people work through it in around 12 minutes. It moves through six short steps:
- What DEARMAN is and when to use it — DEARMAN is a way to plan a difficult conversation so you can ask for something, or say no, without backing down and without going on the…
- D - Describe the situation — Start by describing just the facts of the situation, as plainly as a camera would see them. Stick to what actually happened. Leave out…
- E - Express how you feel or think — Next, say clearly how you feel or what you think about the situation, using 'I' statements. Own your feelings instead of telling the other…
- A - Assert your request or your no — Now ask for what you want, or say no, clearly and directly. Do not hint, hope they guess, or talk around it. People cannot read your mind.…
- R - Reinforce (give them a reason) — Explain what is in it for the other person, or why saying yes is worth it for them too. People are more likely to agree when they can see a…
- M - Stay Mindful — Keep your focus on your goal and do not get pulled off track. If the other person changes the subject, criticises you, or brings up old…
Completed on the Formulate platform, your client's answers are saved automatically and shared straight back to you, so you can review them before the next session rather than waiting for a paper copy to come back.
The CBT approach behind it
In common with other CBT methods, ‘DEARMAN: Asking for Something or Saying No’ works by noticing the links between situations, thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviour — and finding practical ways to change unhelpful patterns. The aim is not positive thinking but a clearer, shared understanding of what keeps a difficulty going — and practical, testable ways to change it.
Because it is a CBT tool it stays focused on the here-and-now links between thoughts, feelings, the body and behaviour, and it works best as one part of a wider course of therapy rather than as advice or a diagnosis.
Evidence & sources
This worksheet is grounded in established cognitive behavioural therapy theory and practice. Key sources include:
- Linehan, M.M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.
- Linehan, M.M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford Press.
For use alongside professional support
Formulate provides educational CBT resources for use with a qualified therapist. They are not a substitute for professional assessment, diagnosis, or crisis care.
If you need urgent help now:
- Emergency services: 999 — if you or someone else is in immediate danger
- Samaritans: 116 123 — free, day or night, 365 days a year
- SANEline: 0800 689 5555 — 4:30pm–10:30pm, every day
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