Handling disagreements fairly

Who this guide is for

Everyone who lives or spends a lot of time together disagrees sometimes. Disagreeing is normal and can even be healthy. What hurts is the way some arguments go: shouting, put-downs, old rows dragged up, or one person shutting down. This guide is about arguing more fairly, so that both people feel heard and the relationship is not damaged each time.

This guide is only for relationships where everyone feels safe. It is not for a relationship where anyone is frightened, threatened, controlled or hurt, for example by being checked up on, cut off from friends and family, kept short of money, or pressured into sex. Arguing more fairly cannot fix that, and the person being harmed is never to blame.

If someone in your life frightens, threatens or controls you, don't practise with them. Talk to your therapist first. If you are in danger, call 999.

Free domestic abuse helplines, open day and night: in England, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge) on 0808 2000 247; in Scotland, Scotland's Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline on 0800 027 1234; in Wales, Live Fear Free on 0808 80 10 800; in Northern Ireland, the Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline on 0808 802 1414.

Four patterns that make arguments worse

Researchers who watched many couples talk through their disagreements found four habits that did the most damage over time. Each one has a fairer alternative.

Attacking the person. "You're so selfish, you never think of anyone else." This turns a problem into a judgement about who someone is. The alternative is to complain about one specific thing: "I was upset that the washing-up was left again last night."

Putting the other person down. Mocking, sneering, eye-rolling, name-calling or acting as if you are better than them. This one did the most damage of the four. The alternative is to remember what you value in the other person, and to say thank you and show respect, including in calmer times.

Defending yourself at all costs. Making excuses, hitting back with a complaint of your own, or acting as if you are the only one being wronged. The alternative is to own your part, even a small one: "You're right, I did say I'd do it."

Shutting down. Going silent, looking away, walking off without a word. This often happens when someone feels overwhelmed. The alternative is to notice it, say you need a break, calm yourself, and come back to the conversation.

Before you talk

Choose a good time. Avoid times when either of you is tired, hungry, rushing out, or has been drinking. Avoid heated arguments in front of children. If now is not a good time, agree a time soon to talk.

Pick one topic. Stick to one thing at a time, and leave the list of everything else that has gone wrong for another day, or for good.

Start gently. How a conversation starts often decides how it ends. Talk about yourself and one specific thing, not about the other person's character. One way is: "I feel [your feeling] when [the specific thing that happened], and I'd like [what you are asking for]." For example: "I feel worried when you come home late without texting. I'd like a quick message if you're going to be after seven."

While you talk: taking turns

A simple structure can stop a conversation turning into two people talking at once.

One person is the speaker and the other is the listener. Some people hold an object, such as a pen, to show who is speaking.

The speaker talks about their own feelings and views, in short chunks, and stops after a few sentences.

The listener does not argue, correct or defend yet. They sum up in their own words what they heard: "So you're saying that...". The speaker says whether that is right, or adds what was missed.

Then swap. Keep swapping until you both feel heard. Only then start looking for a way forward together.

While you talk, stay on the topic you chose. No name-calling, mocking or threats, and no bringing up old arguments. If you would like more practice at listening well, your therapist can share a sheet on that.

Taking a break when things get too heated

When we get very wound up, our heart races and it becomes hard to think straight or to hear the other person. Signs include a pounding heart, feeling hot, wanting to shout, or wanting to get away. Talking on in this state usually makes things worse.

Agree in advance, at a calm time, how either of you can call a break. Use a word or a sign you have both agreed. Say when you will come back: "I'm getting too wound up. I need a break. Let's talk again at eight."

Make the break at least 20 minutes, because it takes about that long for the body to settle. Use it to calm down: go for a walk, breathe slowly, listen to music. Try not to spend it going over the argument in your head.

Then come back at the agreed time. A break is not the same as walking out or giving the silent treatment. It works because you both know you will return.

If the other person will not let you take a break, blocks your way or follows you, that is more than an unfair argument and can be a sign of abuse. Talk to your therapist about it, and look again at the first section of this guide.

Repairing as you go

Every argument has bumpy moments. What helps is trying to steady things when they happen. Small repair attempts can make a big difference: "Sorry, that came out wrong", "Can we start again?", "I can see this really matters to you", or a light moment that isn't at the other person's expense.

When the other person makes a repair attempt, try to notice it and, where you can, meet it halfway. You don't have to pretend you are no longer upset. And own your part, where you have one.

After you talk

Agree one small, clear change each, rather than a big promise. Write it down if that helps. Agree a time to check back, for example in a week, to see how it is going.

Some disagreements never get fully solved, because they come from real differences between two people. That is common in close relationships. The aim is to be able to talk about them kindly and find ways to live with them, not to win.

My plan

Tick the agreements you would like to try, and write a few words in each box. If you are doing this together, you can each fill in your own copy and compare.