When compassion feels difficult or unsafe
Explore why compassion can feel difficult or unsafe, and what choices, boundaries and pace would suit you.
Written by Tarun Vermani, Trainee Clinical Psychologist Last reviewed
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When compassion feels difficult or unsafe
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Care can feel threatening
Compassion means noticing suffering and responding with care and helpful action, including boundaries and saying no. It need not mean warmth, forgiveness or trusting someone who hurt you. Kindness linked with criticism, control or harm can feel threatening. Shame may make you feel undeserving; receiving care may bring grief. These responses are understandable, not failures. Giving, receiving and offering yourself compassion can feel different.
Different kinds of difficulty
Fear means expecting danger, such as vulnerability. Blocks include numbness, exhaustion or not knowing how. Not wanting to give, receive or offer yourself compassion because it seems unhelpful or conflicts with something important is called resistance. It is something to understand together, not a fault. These difficulties can overlap; they are clues, not labels for you.
Choice and pacing
Ask for plain language, less intensity or no practice. You need not push through distress.
Fictional illustration: Expecting criticism after kindness, someone asks for plain explanations and permission to pause. Predictability helps more than warm words.
Your choice and pace
Choose any, or none. This is not a test.
Your words
If overwhelmed, pause and use your agreed therapist contact. Follow your safety plan and urgent-care route if they are unavailable. Call 999 for immediate danger. Samaritans on 116 123 offers emotional support, not emergency care.
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When to use ‘When compassion feels difficult or unsafe’
‘When compassion feels difficult or unsafe’ is a psychoeducation handout based on compassion-focused therapy (CFT), for work with low self-esteem. Consider this resource when shame or self-criticism is prominent, or when exploring how a client relates to distress and what a more compassionate response could involve.
It is designed to be read within therapy rather than as a standalone self-help tool: a therapist introduces it and discusses it with the client. You can preview the full handout above, then assign it for clients to read between sessions on any device or download it as a print-ready PDF. Where a short reflection is included, it offers space to respond to the reading.
How it works
Most people work through it in around 10 minutes. It moves through five short sections to read:
- Care can feel threatening: Compassion means noticing suffering and responding with care and helpful action, including boundaries and saying no. It need not mean…
- Different kinds of difficulty: Fear means expecting danger, such as vulnerability. Blocks include numbness, exhaustion or not knowing how. Not wanting to give, receive or…
- Choice and pacing: Ask for plain language, less intensity or no practice. You need not push through distress. Fictional illustration: Expecting criticism…
- Your choice and pace: Choose any, or none. This is not a test.
- Your words: If overwhelmed, pause and use your agreed therapist contact. Follow your safety plan and urgent-care route if they are unavailable. Call…
The handout can be read on a phone, tablet or computer, or downloaded as a print-ready PDF. If it includes a reflection, answers entered on the Formulate platform are saved automatically and shared back with the therapist for review before the next session.
The CFT approach behind it
‘When compassion feels difficult or unsafe’ draws on compassion-focused therapy (CFT). CFT draws on a model of threat, drive and soothing systems to explore how clients respond to danger, pursue goals and experience safety or connection. Shame and self-criticism can be understood within these patterns. Building compassion involves noticing suffering and considering a caring, helpful response, including when kindness towards oneself feels unfamiliar or difficult.
It is intended as one part of a wider course of therapy rather than as advice or a diagnosis. The therapist can help decide how it fits the work and discuss what emerges.
Evidence & sources
This handout draws on compassion-focused therapy. Key sources include:
- Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features. Routledge.
- Gilbert, P., & Choden (2013). Mindful Compassion. London: Constable & Robinson.
For use alongside professional support
Formulate provides educational CBT resources for use with a qualified therapist. They are not a substitute for professional assessment, diagnosis, or crisis care.
If you need urgent help now:
- Emergency services: 999 — if you or someone else is in immediate danger
- NHS 111 (NHS 24 in Scotland): 111 — choose the mental health option for urgent help, in England, Scotland and Wales (in Wales, press 2)
- Lifeline: 0808 808 8000 — for urgent help in Northern Ireland, free, day or night
- Samaritans: 116 123 — free, day or night, 365 days a year
- Shout: 85258 — text SHOUT, free, day or night
- SANEline: 0300 304 7000 — 4pm–10pm, every day
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