A gentle, reflective guide to understanding the patterns you bring to close relationships - where they may have come from, how they show up now, and how, with awareness, they can shift over time.
Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns
PreviewFrom our earliest relationships, we each learn a 'best guess' about how close relationships tend to work - whether others can be relied on, and what we need to do to stay connected and feel safe. These learned patterns are often grouped into four broad styles. They are not boxes or labels, and most people are a blend that can shift across different relationships and over time. As you read, notice what feels familiar - there is no right or wrong here. SECURE: tends to feel comfortable with both closeness and independence; can trust others and ask for support, and is reasonably comfortable when alone. ANXIOUS / PREOCCUPIED: tends to want a lot of closeness and reassurance; may worry about being let down, abandoned, or not loved enough, and can feel anxious when a relationship feels uncertain. AVOIDANT / DISMISSING: tends to value independence and self-reliance highly; may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness or depending on others, and can withdraw when things feel intense. DISORGANISED / FEARFUL-AVOIDANT: tends to long for closeness and fear it at the same time; relationships can feel confusing or unsafe, with a pull towards others and a push away from them.
Which pattern feels closest to how you tend to be in close relationships?
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In your own words, what about that pattern (or blend) fits for you?
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Think about the relationships that matter most to you now - a partner, family, or close friends. The aim is curiosity and self-understanding, not judgement.
How comfortable do you feel with emotional closeness?
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How comfortable do you feel with depending on others or asking for support?
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Does your pattern change depending on the relationship or person?
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Our early relationships shape the strategies we learned for staying close and feeling safe. Importantly, these were sensible adaptations to the situation you were in - the best way you found to cope at the time, not a flaw in you. Understanding the roots can build self-compassion. Go only as far as feels okay, and at your own pace. If this brings up painful feelings, it can help to pause and talk it through with your therapist.
Looking back, what were your early close relationships like?
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What might you have learned back then about closeness, trust, or relying on others?
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How did that strategy make sense, given what you were dealing with at the time?
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Patterns tend to switch on most strongly when a relationship feels uncertain, distant, or under strain. Mapping your own triggers and typical responses makes the pattern easier to notice - and easier to respond to differently.
Your relationship pattern in action
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How does this pattern protect you, and where does it cost you?
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Attachment patterns are not fixed for life. Through new experiences - including a safe therapy relationship and relationships where closeness feels reliable - people can gradually move towards what's called 'earned security'. Small, repeated experiences of things going differently are what shift the pattern over time.
What would you like to do differently in your close relationships?
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What would a bit more security feel or look like for you?
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One small, realistic step you could take towards that
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Who or what could support you in this?
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This is a read-only preview. Sign up to assign it and let clients complete it on any device.
‘Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns’ is an interactive cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) worksheet. As a core CBT skill it is used right across the model, with presentations including depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma and low self-esteem, rather than being tied to a single diagnosis.
It is designed to be used within therapy rather than as a standalone self-help tool: a therapist introduces it, works through it collaboratively, and helps make sense of what it surfaces. You can preview the full worksheet above, then assign it digitally for clients to complete between sessions on any device — or download it as a print-ready PDF.
Most people work through it in around 20 minutes. It moves through five short steps:
Completed on the Formulate platform, your client's answers are saved automatically and shared straight back to you, so you can review them before the next session rather than waiting for a paper copy to come back.
In common with other CBT methods, ‘Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns’ works by noticing the links between situations, thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviour — and finding practical ways to change unhelpful patterns. The aim is not positive thinking but a clearer, shared understanding of what keeps a difficulty going — and practical, testable ways to change it.
Because it is a CBT tool it stays focused on the here-and-now links between thoughts, feelings, the body and behaviour, and it works best as one part of a wider course of therapy rather than as advice or a diagnosis.
This worksheet is grounded in established cognitive behavioural therapy theory and practice. Key sources include:
Formulate provides educational CBT resources for use with a qualified therapist. They are not a substitute for professional assessment, diagnosis, or crisis care.
If you need urgent help now:
Sign up free and send your client a link. They complete it on any device — you review their responses before the next session.
No credit card required. 10 free worksheets every month.
Move from all-or-nothing core belief thinking to a continuum — placing yourself and evidence along a 0–100 scale.