Skip to main content
Personality & Schema Work~20 min

Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns

A gentle, reflective guide to understanding the patterns you bring to close relationships - where they may have come from, how they show up now, and how, with awareness, they can shift over time.

Written by Tarun Vermani, Trainee Clinical Psychologist Last reviewed

Assign to a clientDownload PDFTry the preview ↓

Assign and Download open signup, then return you to this worksheet. No card required. Resource access depends on your plan or trial. Already have an account? Sign in

Worksheet preview

Preview
A psychoeducation-plus-reflection worksheet for use in schema-focused and relational work, helping clients make sense of recurring patterns in close relationships. Frame attachment patterns warmly and NON-deterministically throughout: they are learned strategies that once made sense, not fixed personality types or diagnoses, and they can and do change with new relational experiences (the concept of earned security). Avoid letting the client label themselves or others as a fixed 'type'. Most people show a blend, and patterns can differ across relationships. The origins section can touch on early caregiving experiences and may bring up painful material - hold it sensitively, at the client's pace, and validate that early strategies were understandable adaptations rather than faults. Use the client's own language and lived examples rather than imposing the model. This is a reflective tool, not an assessment measure, and is not a substitute for a full clinical formulation.

Live preview — type in any field to try it. Nothing is saved here.

Understanding Attachment Patterns

From our earliest relationships, we each learn a 'best guess' about how close relationships tend to work - whether others can be relied on, and what we need to do to stay connected and feel safe. These learned patterns are often grouped into four broad styles. They are not boxes or labels, and most people are a blend that can shift across different relationships and over time. As you read, notice what feels familiar - there is no right or wrong here. SECURE: tends to feel comfortable with both closeness and independence; can trust others and ask for support, and is reasonably comfortable when alone. ANXIOUS / PREOCCUPIED: tends to want a lot of closeness and reassurance; may worry about being let down, abandoned, or not loved enough, and can feel anxious when a relationship feels uncertain. AVOIDANT / DISMISSING: tends to value independence and self-reliance highly; may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness or depending on others, and can withdraw when things feel intense. DISORGANISED / FEARFUL-AVOIDANT: tends to long for closeness and fear it at the same time; relationships can feel confusing or unsafe, with a pull towards others and a push away from them.

Your Patterns in Close Relationships

Think about the relationships that matter most to you now - a partner, family, or close friends. The aim is curiosity and self-understanding, not judgement.

Closeness feels uncomfortable or unsafeI'm very comfortable being close
Choose a value
I find it very hard to rely on othersI can ask for and accept support easily
Choose a value

Where the Pattern May Have Come From

Our early relationships shape the strategies we learned for staying close and feeling safe. Importantly, these were sensible adaptations to the situation you were in - the best way you found to cope at the time, not a flaw in you. Understanding the roots can build self-compassion. Go only as far as feels okay, and at your own pace. If this brings up painful feelings, it can help to pause and talk it through with your therapist.

How the Pattern Shows Up Now

Patterns tend to switch on most strongly when a relationship feels uncertain, distant, or under strain. Mapping your own triggers and typical responses makes the pattern easier to notice - and easier to respond to differently.

#What Sets It Off (Trigger)What I FeelWhat I Typically DoEffect on Me and the RelationshipActions
1
2

Moving Towards Earned Security

Attachment patterns are not fixed for life. Through new experiences - including a safe therapy relationship and relationships where closeness feels reliable - people can gradually move towards what's called 'earned security'. Small, repeated experiences of things going differently are what shift the pattern over time.

Try it here — nothing you type is saved. Sign up to assign it and let clients complete it on any device.

When to use ‘Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns’

‘Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns’ is an interactive cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) worksheet. As a core CBT skill it is used right across the model, with presentations including depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma and low self-esteem, rather than being tied to a single diagnosis.

It is designed to be used within therapy rather than as a standalone self-help tool: a therapist introduces it, works through it collaboratively, and helps make sense of what it surfaces. You can preview the full worksheet above, then assign it digitally for clients to complete between sessions on any device — or download it as a print-ready PDF.

How it works

Most people work through it in around 20 minutes. It moves through five short steps:

  1. Understanding Attachment Patterns — From our earliest relationships, we each learn a 'best guess' about how close relationships tend to work - whether others can be relied on,…
  2. Your Patterns in Close Relationships — Think about the relationships that matter most to you now - a partner, family, or close friends. The aim is curiosity and…
  3. Where the Pattern May Have Come From — Our early relationships shape the strategies we learned for staying close and feeling safe. Importantly, these were sensible adaptations to…
  4. How the Pattern Shows Up Now — Patterns tend to switch on most strongly when a relationship feels uncertain, distant, or under strain. Mapping your own triggers and…
  5. Moving Towards Earned Security — Attachment patterns are not fixed for life. Through new experiences - including a safe therapy relationship and relationships where…

Completed on the Formulate platform, your client's answers are saved automatically and shared straight back to you, so you can review them before the next session rather than waiting for a paper copy to come back.

The CBT approach behind it

In common with other CBT methods, ‘Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns’ works by noticing the links between situations, thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviour — and finding practical ways to change unhelpful patterns. The aim is not positive thinking but a clearer, shared understanding of what keeps a difficulty going — and practical, testable ways to change it.

Because it is a CBT tool it stays focused on the here-and-now links between thoughts, feelings, the body and behaviour, and it works best as one part of a wider course of therapy rather than as advice or a diagnosis.

Evidence & sources

This worksheet is grounded in established cognitive behavioural therapy theory and practice. Key sources include:

  • Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. London: Hogarth Press.
  • Ainsworth, M.D.S., Blehar, M.C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
  • Hazan, C. & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.
  • Mikulincer, M. & Shaver, P.R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.

For use alongside professional support

Formulate provides educational CBT resources for use with a qualified therapist. They are not a substitute for professional assessment, diagnosis, or crisis care.

If you need urgent help now:

  • Emergency services: 999 — if you or someone else is in immediate danger
  • Samaritans: 116 123 — free, day or night, 365 days a year
  • SANEline: 0800 689 5555 — 4:30pm–10:30pm, every day

More Personality & Schema Work worksheets

View all Personality & Schema Work worksheets →

Personality & Schema Work

Schema Formulation

A longitudinal formulation mapping early experiences, core beliefs (schemas), coping strategies, and current patterns — the foundation for schema-focused work.

Formulation~30 minInteractive

Personality & Schema Work

Core Belief Continuum

Move from all-or-nothing core belief thinking to a continuum — placing yourself and evidence along a 0–100 scale.

Worksheet~20 minInteractive

Personality & Schema Work

Therapy Flashcard Builder

Create coping flashcards that capture a triggering situation, the old unhelpful response, and a new, more adaptive response — for quick reference in difficult moments.

Worksheet~15 minInteractive

Personality & Schema Work

Schema Diary

Track schema activations — when old patterns get triggered, what mode you went into, and what you could do differently.

Worksheet~10 minInteractive

Personality & Schema Work

Historical Evidence Review

Review evidence for and against a core belief across different life periods — childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.

Worksheet~20 minInteractive

Personality & Schema Work

Chain Analysis Worksheet

Trace a problem behaviour back through the chain of vulnerability factors, events, thoughts, emotions, and actions that led to it — then identify intervention points.

Worksheet~20 minInteractive

Want to assign this to a client?

Create a free therapist account to use the assignment and library download tools. Clients can complete assigned homework online or use a blank PDF. See how the homework workflow works.

Create free accountBrowse the library

No card required. The Free plan includes 10 worksheet uses a month. Check plan access and limits.